And I don’t.

Since I was young, I’ve had dreams to marry young, start a family young, and live happily ever like in all fairytales I’ve read. It is rather sad to think that such childish dreams never existed in the cruel reality of the world but only in little kid’s fantasies.

And I still wish I had that fantasy.

The fantasy of marrying at the age of 19 and having my first child (hopefully, a lovely daughter like me) by the time I hit 20. I am eager to have kids, I tell you.

Only because I wish to provide the so many things that I lack yet envy others for it. And I don’t mean the money part.

Sure, my parents can’t afford a lot of things that I yearn for but that does not mean they could not provide for all my needs. The three basic needs in my life have all been provided for since I entered this world: Shelter over my head so that I’ll always have a home; Clothes on my body so that I won’t have to go around cold or naked; Food on my plate so that I won’t have to go hungry.

So really, I should be thankful that I don’t have to go begging for my next meal. My basic needs have all been taken care of.

As I was saying, I wanted to provide my kid things that I never had.

Like a great-grandmother for instance. I don’t recall anything about my great-grandmother. I never knew that Great Grandma saw me, her great-granddaughter, till I was four. I never knew I had a great-grandmother till I was four. I never knew that she passed away when I was four. I had no memories of her. And I never knew all these because Mother did not tell me till I was 15.

So when I see my friends who still have their great-grandmothers living, I kind of envy them. Envy that they have someone in their family with another generation than mine. Since I could not have that, I wanted to give that to my kid. Both my grandmothers are well, but, in life, things can never be quite certain. I do not wish to drag time on before it is too late.

Another reason why I’m so eager to have a child at this age is because I don’t wish to give my child an old mother.

Mother and I are apart by twenty seven years. Twenty seven! That is almost 3 decades! No wonder we can never really see things eye-to-eye. She is way off in another generation, and I don’t want a relationship with my future daughter like how my relationship with Mother is now. It isn’t great. Really. I really wish things could be better but she thinks things this way when I think things that. I can see her point but she has trouble seeing mine.

I feel so alone at times.

I really envy my primary school classmate, Ingrid. The difference in age between her mother and her is just twenty years, and they seem the best of friends. The only thing they could probably fight over is just the clothes to wear. They might as well be sisters.

I was thinking, if I cannot marry this young, if I cannot have my child this young, I don’t think I want to get married after all.

The thought of marrying after 23 (for myself) is just… no way, that kind of thing. The thought of having a child after 24 is… terrible. So much so that even if I were to marry after 23, I don’t think I want to have a child. The thought is just too… unbearable for me. I may change my mind, but I don’t want to regret not having a child now just because all the odds are against me.

No one seems to support my idea of marrying young and having a child young. They see in the realistic manner: I don’t have much of an education (I’ve only my lousy O Level certificate); I don’t have a job (no income); I don’t have savings (no money); I don’t have the independence nor the maturity. I have nothing.

But I want to see the optimistic way. That I can cope. That despite everything, I am able to become strong and overcome the obstacles that I face. I just want to do something that I won’t be able to regret.

I don’t want to wait too long. Because really, time waits for no man.

Or woman.