Tempted To Run Again

Tags: emotional · school

The night before the test, I was emotionally disturbed, but showed no signs on the outside. Part of me felt calm and laid back; the other felt nervous and scared. I was a wreck, but I did not show.

As I awoke (rather grudgingly) early this morning, I could feel the same fear and calmness I felt more than two years ago. It was the same feeling I got right before my final exams in my first year at polytechnic.

Before I re-entered poly this year, I have had my parents, my friends, my boyfriend and my relatives telling me that this was my second chance, my second shot at school and at getting a diploma. That I had to treasure it and not waste it away. That I had to work hard and not flunk off like the other time two years ago. Before school had started, I had the pressure.

I did not notice this pressure from them. I was a carefree person. I am not the kind who stresses up at major exams. In fact, I laugh it off and take the exams at my own pace, my own mindset. I did not notice this pressure, neither did I realise later that I was putting pressure on myself.

Knowing that I am unable to fail, I decided that a pass was not going to be enough. I wanted something more. I wanted to achieve something that I always thought I could not attain. I wanted straight As. More than anything else, this was what I wanted.

So I began pushing myself, working my way through reports and assignments and deadlines. But I also felt being left behind by my classmates despite the fact that I am three years their senior. This crushed me terribly and I could not accept it. Thus, I worked even harder.

I poured sweat and tears into my schoolwork, forcing myself to sleep and eat little and cramming as much as I could. Finally, at one point of time, I felt that I could not take it anymore. I could never attain the A grade that I have always hoped and wished for.

I had to settle for just a pass.

I do not “just want to pass”. I do not want to be “just a mediocre”. I wanted to be good. Not just good but really, very, extremely good. I wanted to excel, knowing that taking up design was the right choice and the right path to my future.

This afternoon, I was disappointed with myself as I boarded the train to school. In my hands were the self-notes I’ve made from scoring through my textbook and notes. I stared blankly at the codes and drawings, my brain not absorbing anything.

I checked the time and found myself running late. Before I knew it, that horrible thought that struck two years ago came rushing back to me today. I thought of skipping the paper altogether.

In desperate times, there is a need for desperate measures. That was how desperate I felt at that time. I was in a slow-moving train, running late for a test, and I could just simply not sit for it.

Then I began to cry in my heart, because at the beginning of the term, I worked so hard—so darn hard for this—and I was convinced then that I will not go back to my old ways of skipping classes, missing tests and dropping out. And here I am, notes in my hands, thinking of running away from it all again. I felt guilty. I felt terrible. I was disappointed.

I felt like I was letting everyone down. Then, I began to think that maybe, just maybe, I’m not cut out for this whole diploma thing.


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yami commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:11

the thought to flee when the going gets tough, how often has it tempted us all.

sometimes we held on, struggled to keep our heads high above the water. afraid to see disappointment written our the face of our loved ones. afraid that we would regret when we look back one day.

other times, we fled. ignoring whatever consequences that could follow.

then there are times, where we are so drained. we could not stay nor leave, and could only pray for our guardian angel to lead us.

i hope you would pass this stage soon.

i am not making much sense, sorry.

milktea commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:12

hey, new look here. 🙂

vanessa commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:12

awww nadine its okiee keep a smile on ur face okie? everything will be A-OK! =]

patty commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:12

depressing stuff :X just hang in there, nadine! things may not be easy to get or do but with your best effort and patience, you’ll get through… you can do this! don’t give up!

Dan commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:12

hang in there gal.. things are gonna fly past so fast without u realising…

– words of wisdom from wise old me


Lain commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:13

I guess the thing you needed most is simply concentration. Try not to let the past experience haunt you and I guess that everything would start picking up slowly. I have to admit that it does gets a little harder and more effort to start for the fact that you stopped schooling for quite some time but never give up.

Seriously, I feel that you have what it takes for this Design Course. I was never brave enough to take that up. *pats on nadine’s back* Things will get better. 🙂

As for academic grades? Try not to think so much about it. I feel that as long as you’ve done your very best. Just accept your fate. Life would be much happier that way. Good luck. 🙂

peiwen commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:13

It’s half your battle won knowing what you’re doing now is what you wanted. There’s no point recalling the past, just let go and everything will be better. 🙂

tinkertailor commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:14

the grades you get are a poor measure of your abilities, and they will eventually be irrelevant, so don’t worry too much about it.
and cheer up! 🙂

mel commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:14

-big hugs-
just do your best.
that’s what my mom always says.
it’s e process that’s important, getting straight As is just a bonus.
I know it’s tough. cos I also have high expectations of myself.
just work hard! maybe you work better under “no pressure”! (:
so chilll!

Valerie commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:14

Hang in there! Don’t think so much about things that happened in the past. Just tell yourself to try your best, and worry about the outcome later.The process of learning is what matters more. The going may get tough at times, but you’ll make it through! *hugs*

Jun Wei commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:15

Sweetie, I know the pressure on you has been immense and I admit I’m one of those who constantly nag at you. =( Sweetie, I never wanted you to get As or anything. When you got this course I was ecstatic because it was something you love and you like and you were back into SP again. Getting good grades is not everything. What’s most important is you get back on your feet again after 2 years and enjoy school like it was; only this time with the right course and a supportive boyfriend who’ll be there for you all the way. =)

Rem: ” You have not let anyone down if you’ve done your best. If at first you don’t succeed, pick yourself up and try again. “

Gena commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:15

You really are putting too much pressure on yourself. Chill out girl! I’m always satisfied with a pass because in poly, you can go play, not study but still pass anyway. I prefer not to stress myself and to lead a stress-free life. At least I’ll be happy this way. Don’t force yourself to do things that will make you feel unhappy. Stress is good, but too much stress can be dangerous. I’m sure that you’re an intelligent girl who can get straight As..just that you’re pushing yourself too hard and that can turn negative.

Just do your best ok? Take care!

Brenda commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:16

When the going gets tough, the touch gets going. But of course at times, the tough gets panicky. Nadine dear, just work consistently at your own pace. It’s important to get enough food and rest regardless of whether there is an important paper the next day. It is difficult to concentrate, especially if you are feeling lethargic.

Hang in there, girl. Constantly motivate and encourage yourself, and all of us online will also do the same for you. You can do it! 🙂

Joyceline commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:16

The hardest part is staying motivated. The first step to achieving success is to really believe that you can. 🙂 Don’t just settle — we know you’ve got a lot of potential, Nadine!

dene commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:16

so what did u do nadine? you never told us.

Daren commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:17

never give up nadine.

james commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:17

hang in there and fight for what you want to achieve. whether you attain it or not is a totally seperate matter. the worse thing is to live with regrets, i.e. to say that you KNEW you could have done it but did not, in other words, to have underachieved and to look back upon yourself as a failure. Now this spirit seperates the wheat from the chaff, the mediocre and the excellent, the leaders from the masses. I know you have the ability to fight – so go for it and don’t give up.

pilar commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:17

don’t give up. before you know it, things will get better than you will have grown more than you ever have expected. i’m sure you have already come such a long way. don’t give up now.

Silver commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:18

-hugs hugs hugs- No pressures. I can relate to that… kinda xp, You’re half way there; don’t give up, until you reach the end. You’ve already done so much. running away is but only a temporary situation that is regretable when done. Stick it in. study on your own pace… I hope that you managed to do the test…

Chelsea commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:18

You’re so close..
Don’t be discouraged. It’ll all be worth it when you’re done!

Ym. commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:19

-huggles- Please take care. School…no…life’s tough sometimes. But as you can see (from all 20 plus comments), you have friends who love you and who will always support you. ^^ Jia you.

[btw…out of point…but nice new layout! haha.]

vanessa commented

August 21, 2005 @ 19:19

omg nadine u were soo right after i did the family tree (which took me hours) i finally saw how it added up but still i dont even kno any of them o_O

and nadine even tho i already posted a comment on this u better have a smile on ur face or ill make u have one =]

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