Tempted To Run Again
Monday, August 1st, 2005 @ 23:07
Tags: emotional · school
The night before the test, I was emotionally disturbed, but showed no signs on the outside. Part of me felt calm and laid back; the other felt nervous and scared. I was a wreck, but I did not show.
As I awoke (rather grudgingly) early this morning, I could feel the same fear and calmness I felt more than two years ago. It was the same feeling I got right before my final exams in my first year at polytechnic.
Before I re-entered poly this year, I have had my parents, my friends, my boyfriend and my relatives telling me that this was my second chance, my second shot at school and at getting a diploma. That I had to treasure it and not waste it away. That I had to work hard and not flunk off like the other time two years ago. Before school had started, I had the pressure.
I did not notice this pressure from them. I was a carefree person. I am not the kind who stresses up at major exams. In fact, I laugh it off and take the exams at my own pace, my own mindset. I did not notice this pressure, neither did I realise later that I was putting pressure on myself.
Knowing that I am unable to fail, I decided that a pass was not going to be enough. I wanted something more. I wanted to achieve something that I always thought I could not attain. I wanted straight As. More than anything else, this was what I wanted.
So I began pushing myself, working my way through reports and assignments and deadlines. But I also felt being left behind by my classmates despite the fact that I am three years their senior. This crushed me terribly and I could not accept it. Thus, I worked even harder.
I poured sweat and tears into my schoolwork, forcing myself to sleep and eat little and cramming as much as I could. Finally, at one point of time, I felt that I could not take it anymore. I could never attain the A grade that I have always hoped and wished for.
I had to settle for just a pass.
I do not “just want to pass”. I do not want to be “just a mediocre”. I wanted to be good. Not just good but really, very, extremely good. I wanted to excel, knowing that taking up design was the right choice and the right path to my future.
This afternoon, I was disappointed with myself as I boarded the train to school. In my hands were the self-notes I’ve made from scoring through my textbook and notes. I stared blankly at the codes and drawings, my brain not absorbing anything.
I checked the time and found myself running late. Before I knew it, that horrible thought that struck two years ago came rushing back to me today. I thought of skipping the paper altogether.
In desperate times, there is a need for desperate measures. That was how desperate I felt at that time. I was in a slow-moving train, running late for a test, and I could just simply not sit for it.
Then I began to cry in my heart, because at the beginning of the term, I worked so hard—so darn hard for this—and I was convinced then that I will not go back to my old ways of skipping classes, missing tests and dropping out. And here I am, notes in my hands, thinking of running away from it all again. I felt guilty. I felt terrible. I was disappointed.
I felt like I was letting everyone down. Then, I began to think that maybe, just maybe, I’m not cut out for this whole diploma thing.
the thought to flee when the going gets tough, how often has it tempted us all.
sometimes we held on, struggled to keep our heads high above the water. afraid to see disappointment written our the face of our loved ones. afraid that we would regret when we look back one day.
other times, we fled. ignoring whatever consequences that could follow.
then there are times, where we are so drained. we could not stay nor leave, and could only pray for our guardian angel to lead us.
i hope you would pass this stage soon.
i am not making much sense, sorry.